I can't believe I dated an "Alfie"

It is here, my first blog. I'm actually doing it... why, I'm not exactly sure, but why not? I enjoy reading thoughts and ideas shared by others so why not contribute to this mad new world of blogging. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I've decided to begin with a recent "rant" I posted on Craigslist. It was a reaction to my own self-realization that I have been dating the wrong type of guy. I received good feedback from people who could relate so perhaps it will touch others. Enjoy:

I just saw the movie "Alfie" and not only does Jude Law's character remind me of my ex but ironically, the ex recently reappeared asking my forgiveness for being a jerk (by the way, I'm the Marisa Tomei character in this scenario minus the fact I don't have kids). Don't worry, lesson learned and I would never date him again. We talked things through and are “friends” but not without a little ranting and raving on my end first to get it out of the system...

You know how you see potential in someone and you want so badly for them to figure that out while you're with them? There’s that feeling that you might have found someone sincerely wonderful with almost all the qualities you desire and you’re willing to overlook the flaws... and then you realize that although they're funny, clever, smart and charming, in truth they're actually very confused liars and their soul is empty? That is my Alfie.

We were together 11 months and you think as a smart woman I would have figured out how little I meant to him, but it wasn't until the last month (and a good friend who repeatedly chanted break-up-with-the-loser) that I finally gathered the nerve to break up with him. Let me quickly go through some of the clear signs I ignored in my ignorant state of bliss:

• he ignored me at a sporting event he was playing in; he ignored me because he was flirting with the woman I stood next to when I walked up to say hello during half-time.

• I went to a different sporting event with him plus an old-crush-but-we're-friends-now of his; now you'd think someone interested in their girlfriend would be courteous and sit in the middle. He actually sat next to her, leaving her in between us. (Yes, I told him how I felt about this and he said I was being silly… in all the scenarios I list here, Alfie, a.k.a. the ex, had brilliant responses that cleverly turned everything back on me)

• He talked about moving in together ONCE and when we went out with friends he announced it to everyone. What?? He even said I didn't care where we moved when someone asked about location. He never even asked my opinion.

• Me: I'll be out of the country for two weeks, would you please check my mail twice a week or feel free to just live at my place for two weeks? (he has roommates)... Him: I don't want to but thanks for asking.

• Me: Let's take a road trip ... Him: No, don’t feel like it.

I could go on but you get the idea. Anyway, I finally realize that he loves ALL women and can't possibly be happy with me. And you know what, I wasn’t happy either and finally opened my eyes to a guy who was disrespectful, selfish, status-oriented, money-obsessed (yet rarely picked up the tab and let me pay for practically everything), constantly flirted with anything female, never asked how my day was… there I go again. Where was I? Oh, yes, so I break up with him and two days later he's with someone else (I learned this from the roommate); by the way, he had been in touch with this new girlfriend months before our breakup. Ah, ignorant bliss and hindsight - what a combo.

Fast forward four months later and he gets in touch, he comes over and we talk. (For the record, I invited him over – I don’t hate the guy, I’m over it and willing to be friends.) So he comes over looking for forgiveness because he realizes he was a jerk - or maybe he came over to clear his conscience and move on with a clean slate. Doesn't matter. So how did he come to this conclusion? HE'S DATING HIMSELF. He actually told me that he is now in my shoes during our relationship and she is him. He wants her to love him. Anyway, he just wanted to clear the air and apologize and that took guts; for that I give him credit. What I don’t give him credit for is the fact that he had the selfish balls to actually say “I just want you to know I never lied to you, I only told white lies” – Um, I’m sorry?… did you pour the lies through a spaghetti strainer and let only the little white lies pour out?? Puhleeze.

So I’ve come full circle with Alfie. I didn’t want to see what a punk he was in the beginning because he does ooze charm and I got stuck in it. Yes, it’s my fault and I take responsibility for not recognizing a sincerely good guy when I see one. But you know what, I’m okay being friends because it was a good lesson for me and he’s not a bad person – just a selfish, charming… you know.

My two tips for women who haven't had dated an Alfie yet:

1) Never date an Alfie (unless you need a good lesson!)

2) When someone truly loves you, they’ll make the effort without being asked. Simple as that. "Don't let anyone be reckless with your heart."

Did I mention you should never date an Alfie? Okay, good. Just checking.