Too loud to ignore

I was the first to arrive to a dinner last night and decided to wait outside the restaurant as the full party had to be present in order to be seated. I plopped down in a chair at the outdoor patio facing the street and across the empty road, thanks to the weeknight, stood a couple fighting. I hadn’t noticed them when I arrived and they were too busy fighting to be aware of me, but I could not believe some of the vulgar words shouted by the man to the woman who looked defeated and embarrassed. Part of me wanted to intervene and the other part of me thought it best, and logical, to mind my own business.

The couple stood out because of the man’s high volume, plus I happened to catch a news segment the night before about a woman trying to leave an abusive husband. The program made only her shadow visible and her voice had been changed to protect her from a man who had left threatening phone messages regarding their kids, broke her windshield with his bare hands and stalked her to the point she had surveillance cameras installed on her property. Good for her, I thought. She is managing to pull through in spite of the horrendous ordeal.

This couple fighting in the street seemed to be teetering that border where the relationship can’t necessarily be labeled abusive (based on this public display) but it hit a nerve -- I had too much time to think while waiting -- that some women are in this position where they feel helpless, scared, nowhere-to-turn-for-help, but-I-love-him, but-he’s-not-always-like-this, but-he-pays-the-bills. And it especially bothered me because I do have a friend who has been hit but still wants the relationship to work out; she was only hit once but once is enough in my book. And equally bad, I have another friend who is emotionally and verbally abused… and still wants to work it out.

”Leave,” I tell her as kindly as I can muster. “I know I should, I know that’s the right thing to do, but I can’t help that I’m in love with him,” comes the routine answer I've heard for years.

Ugh.

There is nothing worse than standing by a friend and wanting to provide support, lend an ear, give a hand, while screaming inside can’t-you-see-this-will-continue-if-you-stay. Believe me, I’m honest with my friends in this situation and I don’t understand why their own parents and siblings still let these men visit or stay with their daughters/sisters, but at some point a woman needs to face the truth and bite the bullet. Suck up the pride and move away if need be, find a new circle of friends, just find a safe place to start fresh and not be tempted to look back. No, you’re not worthless without him and of course you deserve better; any human does. It’s not easy to stay strong and it’s often not an easy road but it’s worth it.

I have never been in an abusive relationship but I have been in one where outwardly, to friends and family, I was treated much better than I was behind the scenes. The hardest but most rewarding lesson from that relationship was realizing that I was responsible for my choices. I dated him, I allowed him to treat me poorly, and in the end it was also I who packed up his various items around my apartment, drove over to his place, ended the relationship in-person, and drove away crying for two days. I knew I would lose his friends, that I would miss certain things, that I would wake up alone, and that was fine by me. I made the choice not to say goodbye via e-mail, I faced my problem head-on, cordially, and I moved forward.

And I so desperately want to help my friends in much, much worse situations, including that woman across the road from the restaurant, but I can share my opinions and lessons learned until I’m blue in the face because I won't really be heard. At some point, a person must stand up for himself/herself when enough is enough and have the courage to take control and move forward.